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Bernie Sanders: "I would eat the Car Fox"

MY EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW CORALVILLE, IA – It was a Saturday night. I met the Senator at the Popeye's in Coralville, just a few minutes outside of Iowa City. We were there for the chicken sandwiches, of course.

I ate 8 sandwiches!

Bernie of course had just a single one. And he only ate 99% of it. "Pretty on brand," I told him. He winked.

The conversation quickly turned to sustainability  Bernie told me, "If I ran over the Car Fax Car Fox I would not leave it for dead. I would scoop up that roadkill and make a meal out of it. I would eat the Car Fox. That's a promise." I looked into his eyes and could tell he was telling the truth.

This, naturally, brought up a bigger issue: why were so many Car Fax Car Foxes getting hit by cars. Bernie made a 'no duh' face and said, almost sarcastically, "the housing crisis." He nibbled his sandwich like a little bird. "We're gonna fix that too."

VH.COM:  You call yourself the Dean of American Socialism. Why is that such a dirty word?

SBS: Dean Cain, no doubt. Polarizing figure. You can't use that word and not think of Superman on what was it... the UPN channel?

VH.COM:I believe it was ABC, actually.

SBS: Really? ABC. Are you sure.

(we both google "dean cain superman")

VH.COM: What I can't get over is how the collective can have one interpretation of a thing. Like, there's no gray area anymore.

SBS: Well you're certainly correct there. There's no red or orange area either. No green, blue, indigo or violet neither!


(Bernie winks)

SBS: A personal friend.

VH.COM: Haha. Let's backtrack a bit. The Car Fox––

SBS: Listen. I do not want to eat the Car Fox. Are they delicious creatures? Probably. But they talk and obviously have a soul. It's not an ideal situation. But are we supposed to do as Americans? Watch their bodies rot on the side of the road? Not on my watch.

Sitting there with Bernie, sharing a meal, it was clear that this was the man for the job. Sure, we live in a hell world where anthropomorphic cartoon animal brand mascots have become real somehow, and those same mascots are currently getting hit by cars and dying at an unbelievable rate, but to simply shrug our shoulders at the problem.... Not Bernie.

I entered that Popeye's restaurant as a lowly ole Bernie Bro.

But I left that Popeye's restaurant as a Bernie MAN.

posted by Verm¡n 🦅 H@wK, esq.


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