Instead of writing an actual review, I present to you these 32 youtube videos I made from recording the movie straight off my TV screen with my shitty digital camera (while fairly hungover) and chopping them up quickly in Final Cut. Enjoy!
Of course the movie begins with a "1995 Whore Egg" (as the saying goes).
Child Ralph Fiennes meets Kate Winslet when he starts violently yacking in the streets.
He like Nazi stamps. This film likes to think of itself as a "Holocaust movie" and not a horrible love story about a pedophile marketed towards lonely middle to upper class women and quasi-intellectuals.
This movie is filled with
And this is just racist probably.
Emo erections all over this place. Also: this is their life: baths, sex, illiteracy.
She says she won't look, but she actually does look.
I tried to make this one as artistic as possible because, you know, child rape.
More bathing. They should have called this movie The Is It Bath Time Again? Yes It Is Always Bath Time (good title).
Fast forward like an hour-plus of horrible, boring-ass filmmaking. We arrive back in the present day (mid 90s). Ralph Fiennes is so so completely bad in this movie that he is actually kind of genius and probably saved this movie from a grade of ZERO. That's the voice of Fiennes on tape next to Old Man Kate Winslet. This is, "The Lady with the Little Dog."
You are never to old to learn how to read in women's prisons because of Holocaust guilt (theme).
Ralph Fiennes' face is the best in this movie/movie history.
He also likes a good sip of wine now and again.
What is he doodling? An "I"? That has to have some meaning, right? Right?
How many emotions can we squeeze out with our faces in 2.3 seconds? Go!
Oh, and Kate Winslet's German accent? How have we made it this far without discussing this accent.
Then Ralph Fiennes is kind of a dick.
This is supposed to be like some big dramatic moment but like everything else about this movie it just fails completely.
Then Kate Winslet tries to steal some of Ralphy's face magic, even with all that stupid old person makeup on.
(If you like the taste of feet lol.)
This is my favorite part of any movie ever though.
(This clip is on permanent loop in heaven btw.)
This maid extra went to the Ralph Fiennes Academy for Professional Acting. God bless her.
Then there's this ridiculous lady towards the end.
No, thank you.
We're almost there... What's that you say, you say you like surprises? Hmm...
...oh you like surprises, Ralph Fienne's daughter? ...Ha, wait till you see the inside of this
(What is that look?! I seriously have no fucking clue.)
And that's it. It really ends. This is the ending. This is how it actually ends. Ralph Fiennes telling his daughter about the summer he got fucked by an old lonely Jew-killer. Franklin, my dog, was not impressed.
SCORE: 1 out of 10